my bucket list

I'm at a point where I want something to be done. However, I don't know how to do it. I want to accomplish something. Well, it all started after I watched the Bucket List. I was really moved by that film. My tears fell especially when Edward was saying his final words to Carter during the funeral. It was ironic that they became friends few months before they died. They were two different individuals with different personality and with different lifestyles yet they jived. Things really happen for a reason. I had some reflection and asked myself what do I needed and wanted to accomplish before I leave this world. It's amazing that even if they knew their death was fast approaching they enjoyed their life to the fullest. They were able to do the things they wanted and never thought would have done while they were in their younger years.
What if I'll have my own bucket list? What will I write there?
Hmmmmm.... I can start writing now....
1. Have the brow and ear piercing that I wanted.
2. Have a long and serious talk with my tatay.
3. Go see the wonderful places in the Philippines. (Mayon, Bohol, Palawan, Pagudpud and more)
I can't think of anything to add right now.... maybe tomorrow I will write some.... do I sound creepy? Well, just sharing my thoughts....

as the scar bleed

I never thought I would still feel hurt. I never expected tears would still roll down.
I spent my weekend in San Pedro. It was already late, no it was already morning about 1 a.m. but I don't feel sleepy. Since there was nothing interesting I could watch on t.v. I decided to reminisce. I looked at my old photos and letters that I've kept over the years. It was fun as I saw my old pictures with my friends, family and exes. As I sorted some of the letters I saw the old love letters my ex wrote for me. I read one, he wrote it when we celebrated our first anniversary. I was surprised with myself when a tear fell. Yes, I'm still affected. I know it's not healthy, but what can I do? As I read a line in the letter I was sobbing. The line was saying "kasama ka sa mga plano ko sa future". Yeah, that was before. I am included in his plans. He was built his dreams and he strive to reach for it. Proud as he is today, he's almost achieving all of it. It's just that I don't know if I'm still on it. Yes, we still communicate. He calls me constantly from overseas. Whenever he's here he would go to our house and still feels like a family but it all makes me confused. He's acting as if we are still together but don't want to commit. It made me hanging in mid air.

April fool's

I don't like this feeling, I'm missing him. Well, somehow he became special to me. I just want to be with someone I can talk to right now. I want to unwind. There's something I want to do but I don't know how to start. hayz.....

not changing huh!

Got up early this morning because of an unexpected call. I thought he already got it when I sent him an off line message. I thanked him for the good times. I also shared the messages I got from his "ex-girlfriend".
He called me at around 4:00 a.m. The whole day today I looked gloomy because I haven't had enough good night sleep. Well, we just had a short talk. I told him we'll be better of as friends. No hassles and no worries. He didn't seem to take my words seriously but I'm happy that I was able to express what I feel in a nice way. I don't know if it was clear to him but for me it is as clear as the summer sky. He still tried to make me believe in his lies. He's still as sweet as before but I needed more than that. I need to feel secured and loved in a way that I wanted. I know we're really not into each other that much. Even for such a short time we were together this morning we were both smiling though I was interrogating him we're both ok. It sounds extraordinary but it's true. I asked him what did he do to his ex-girlfriend, why she became so paranoid. I even tease him that maybe he feels like he's the most handsome guy because an intelligent woman acted like a stupid girl because of him.
Now it's clear between the two of us. I don't feel any bitterness (that's true) and he will always be one of my best friends.

as the secrets were revealed

I remained quiet and calm. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I still want to keep the friendship but it seems it won't be easy.
Honestly, I don't feel hurt that this will end soon. Really, maybe because I wasn't in love with him. I feel sorry for the girl who stayed with him for 3 years. She seems to be paranoid. Her mind was occupied with so much doubt and betrayal. I think it wasn't a healthy relationship they shared. The girl keeps on asking me since when we became lovers. She thought it was a year ago just because she read my blogs in my friendster account. When all those time we were just platonic best friends. Now I know why he removed me from the list of his friends in friendster. Another question was answered because of that, she thinks that I have a feeling for him which is untrue. That idea was embedded on his mind that's why he thought I like him. I can't believe someone that is so intelligent would stay in a relationship built on lies and betrayal.

betrayed by my bestfriend

Why?
I was doing fine before you came back. I'm living my life the way I wanted. Though I frequently pray for "him" to come my way still I was pretty happy with what I've had. Then you came out of nowhere, after 10 years we met again. I was happy, excited and overwhelmed. I never thought we would see each other after so long. But, hey! it happened. Then we moved on to the next level of our relationship. We tagged each other as boyfriend-girlfriend. At first I can't believe it's true. I've never had anything that fast. But, I just let it be since I've known you for so long time (as I thought). I enjoyed the road trips, night hang outs with some of our friends, out of town, swimming and just being with you. I believed everything you said about yourself and your family. But secrets are meant to be revealed. Lies were unveiled. Slowly I'm figuring out what you were hiding. Though I don't go searching for it. I accepted some of it believing it was just a few. As days go by new things are coming up. You are like a puzzle for me. I'm waiting for your revelations but it seemed you want to conceal it. Now, I don't know what to do, what to believe and if I would trust everything that you say.